Recently I visited a family friend of my grandmother, Roberta. I was not intentionally attempting to visit with them since I felt like it wasn’t my responsibility and I had no personal individual connection to the woman. It is nuanced whether or not the woman is ill or dying. She is aging but it’s subjective if aging is dying. My father and brother and I drove two and a half hours out to Shirley, Long Island to visit our beach house. At least that’s what my brother and I were doing. Once we arrived on the Island we picked up Roberta and drove to the pizzeria to ensure no one got overly antsy due to empty bellies and the lack of understanding for why the attention isn’t purely on the children (my brother and I). Roberta walked very slowly out of her small cottage which seemed quaint through the dirty glass window shield, and the lace of pine tree branches. She had a light weight sweater on, no scarf; she was conscious of her footing as if crossing a large river. She used a broken plastic broom as a cane. It seemed like it took her 5 minutes just to get into the car.
After eating pizza, slower than if it had been just my father brother and I, we drove to the library to get Roberta some books. She doesn’t own a car and her family lives out of state not that the location of their residence would change the number of visits they made. She spent so much time looking for her library card she emptied the entire purse out on her lap with the car door wide open allowing the cold air to attack the wonderful, artificially made heat. My brother and I had showed no intentions to offer to help her buy groceries or go to the library for her. In fact we stayed in the car complaining to each other about how much time the shopping was taking. My dad helped Roberta. He didn’t make us do anything we hadn’t signed up for by coming to long island with him. We arrived back at her house and my dad, brother and Roberta helped unpack the groceries. I waited in the car expecting their return shortly. It wasn’t shortly it felt like an extensive amount of time. Eventually I went inside to see when we would be returning to the city. The house was dark and the rug was layered in filth there was a “kitchen” to the left which consisted of a temporary looking sink one might find in a laundry room which was over flowing with dishes and a tiny four burner stove. The room and furniture looked as if she had been moving out and all of a sudden told all the movers to drop their boxes, couches, tables, desks, even the kitty litter box. Nothing was intentionally placed in its location. There was artwork strewn all over the corners of the room, which smelled like cat piss. I urged my father to say good bye and within a few minutes we returned back to the car.
On the drive home my dad and I talked, I was feeling much resentment towards Roberta. She was once a functioning person who could take care of herself in society, but now she relies on other people to take care of her, when she would be able to if she weren’t so disoriented or unfocused. My dad said that it was okay for me to be angry at her, that she was selfish about the decisions she made in her life but that we don’t have a time machine so all he can do is help Roberta at the moment. She was happy to see us. she and my father created the conversation and my brother and I added in to it. There was nothing life changing said no big actions exchanged. Just callous thoughts on my part I certainly didn’t attempt to make anything special out of the day. My grandma told me that she doesn’t have the same thought process, so when she’s taking hours at the grocery store she is only thinking about what is in sight, not how much time she is taking and how it affects others. My grandma also said that she sometimes would get angry that my brother and I because those are the reasons my dad can spend all his time with her and she’s jealous. It’s difficult for me to be compassionate when I am angry due to the lack of understanding or maturity level. If I were to go with my father again to meet with Roberta I would probably act similarly to how I did the first time.
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteGreat post - you so clearly describe your uncharitableness and feel so stuck in it at the same time. This belies the common belief that awareness will lead to change. I find your post refreshing - I often feel resentful and petty, even when I know the feeling doesn't represent who I want to be. I particularly liked the refusal to tell the polite lie/feel-good story at the end.
and the part where you solicit your grandma's perspective - unprecedented - how honest she chose to be with you!
ReplyDeletethank you.
ReplyDeleteAmanda clearly identifies Roberta's helplessness as she slowly looses her ability to function in the world as an octegenerian. Without her friends to help her she would have little or no quality of life; fresh food and a trip to the library may only come once or twice a month. With limited family resources of our own we still find a way to improve Roberta's life by weekly visits for shopping, house cleaning, and companionship. As we get older we may become less aware of other peoples needs and Roberta is completely unaware of the sacrifices that Amanda and Theo have made so their father can help her keep her life together. It is sad to see someone at the end of their life so dependent on others to survive. Roberta has told me many times how much she really appreciates our visits. Yet, this apology doesn't compensate Theo and Amanda for the time lost from being with their dad. In life there are many tradeoffs and I am hoping both Amanda and Theo will be able to appreciate that the gift we give to Roberta of our caring and time is worth the loss of family time we might have spent doing other things.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I felt as if your most interesting line (to me) was, “...I was feeling much resentment towards Roberta. She was once a functioning person who could take care of herself in society, but now she relies on other people to take care of her, when she would be able to if she weren’t so disoriented or unfocused.” Because this focuses on illness and the feelings you may experience during it. Much like other things in our life, when we have feel as if we are left out or of loneliness, we direct our anger towards the most accessible thing which in this case is Roberta. I feel as if she is the easiest target because of her illness and weakness to put this anger on. My opinion itself also proves how other peoples sickness affect the way we look at them and think of them.
ReplyDeleteAmanda, I think you exhibited a lot of good thoughts in this post. The fact that you and your family even went to visit a friend of your grandmother is shocking to me. I don't think I even know one of my grandparents' friends. I really liked your description of her house because I felt that it added a sense of hesitancy that you had to leave as soon as possible. Like Andy said, what your grandmother told you about being jealous of you and your brother was quite unique. Since my grandmother if she ever felt that way, would never be that honest with me. I also liked how you ended your blog saying that you would probably not treat her differently even if you saw her again because it shows how we as a society often tend to keep our first impression as the last impression. I also felt that you were treating Roberta as an illness rather than a person. I don't mean this in a bad way. Since I think I know you pretty well personally, I'm just saying you're a open person that doesn't really keep their feelings towards someone bottled up, and I like that.
ReplyDeletemy brother said- I don't feel exactly the same about the experience, but I like how my sister describes how Roberta had a difficulty with normal, everyday, easy tasks. In the line "...she was conscious of her footing as if crossing a large river." This helped me think about how much more difficult it was for Roberta then it was for us to get into the car.
ReplyDelete