HW 19 - Family Perspectives on Illness & Dying

I don’t have a very clear understanding of illness or dying, mainly because I haven’t been forced to think about it before. If I were in a scenario where I was at the hospital for an extended amount of time I would imagine that I would want visitors, such as my mom, dad, cousin, grandparents, my brother and his mom, a few friends and certainly my boyfriend. But not all at once that would be too intense. I would want them to acknowledge that I am sick or dying but then alter the conversation topic to themselves and the events in their lives. I think flowers would be nice but not necessarily if each person gave me a bouquet. I would much prefer fun toys that could entertain me for when I didn’t have guests in my room, or possibly things that would make me feel more alive.  I would want people to do things with me. Take me out of the hospital to the ocean so I can sit in the sunshine and feel the mist off the water kiss my skin. Or to a kitchen where I could bake fresh cookies and roast a chicken infused with garlic and herbs. If I were to die I wouldn’t want people to grieve over my death for too long. I would want them to acknowledge I am no longer there as the being I previously was, but I don’t want anyone to be in serious pain or heartache due to my loss.

One thing pertaining to sickness that I have most recently been concerned about is Alzheimer's. It scares me to imagine seeing a loved one and having them not recognize me or them not remember meaningful events. This thought terrifies me even deeper if I think about me and my husband when we are older, its one of my biggest fears that one day one of us won’t be able to remember the other. One other thing on the topic of dying that I’ve thought about is what would happen, or how would I feel if I died young. The thought of me getting hit by a car and dying tomorrow scares me because I have a strong feeling that my family and friends would be shocked and I (am currently) worried about them feeling like they owe me something or having regrets concerning me and our relationship. I would want them to know that I was grateful for having them in my life and they most likely had a deep impact on my thinking and happiness. I wouldn’t want them to know this for my sake but I think it might help them accept that I am gone.

My father said that if people came to talk to him he would want them to be comfortable and he wouldn’t mind if they talked about him and his condition the whole time. He said he would like to be outside and taken to a park if possible and he wouldn’t want bought gifts and would rather have the money donated to a charity. He also said that he rather undergo Euthanasia then have to endure a series of surgeries, even if it meant that he might survive. My grandmother (his mom) said that she would want people to acknowledge that she was in a hospital and her condition but then she would want them to focus on their lives and the events that were exciting and interesting in the “outside” world. She said she would also want to leave the hospital every chance she got. She said she would like flowers, but only one or two hand selected delicate ones that she can admire and paint or sketch. While we were talking she said something along the lines of, when someone dies their loved one doesn’t cry for the one that’s passed away but they are really crying for themselves.

There are a few parallels between my dad’s values and my own values I believe that if I was really not in touch with reality, and was very sick that I wouldn’t mind what the people in the room talked about I would just be grateful that they were there to see me and spent time with me. I am not sure if I would make the same decision about undergoing Euthanasia it would depend on how much pain I was in I guess. I think my values are more closely similar to those of my grandma. I really liked her idea that when people cry when their loved one dies they are really crying for themselves because I think it’s true. In all the loss I’ve experienced the reason for my tears were because I felt like I didn’t compensate or reciprocate enough, and that I wouldn’t get the chance to anymore. One other thing my grandma had told me is that every so often she gets this urge to run up to her mom and say “Mother! Mother! Look what I discovered, look at this!” I don’t say this to my mom as often as I should but I am going to start.